Yep, you read the headline right. I feel like I suck at blogging.
My blog is like Lazarus, if he kept dying and being resurrected every few months. He lurches forward with a cough, a splutter and mumbles something about reviewing this new outfit he bought, then dies again, waiting for the cycle to repeat in a few months time. I had a full on strategic blogging plan in the lead up to Miss Pinup New Zealand (in association with Sailor Jerry’s Spiced Rum *wink*) that I… kind of executed, but not really?
You see, my problem is both three-fold and self-perpetuating.
1) I have a full-time job
I get home from work having done and dealt with the rigmarole of working full-time, co-ordinating campaigns, strategies and other things that sound vaguely familiar to anyone who tries to curate an online presence and I come home pretty tired, in both a metaphorical and literal sense.
I’m tired, literally, because I do not let myself get enough sleep at night (I keep trying and failing to fix that part) and I get tired of attempting blogging and self-promotion. I’ll elaborate a little on that last part in a second.
So I get to my evenings and weekends and I struggle to muster up the energy to write. I want to be saying something somewhat meaningful or at least unique, but I worry about contributing to so much social media noise that we already all sludge through every damn day. Which leads us to…
2) When it comes to writing, my inner critic won’t shut up
I enjoy writing. I always have. When I’m in the mood or on a roll, I can smash out a few hundred words in half an hour, no problem. The problem is when I let my inner critic have a say in what’s going on before I hit ‘publish’.
I like to imagine she’s like me, but with a Joan Holloway/Harris style makeover, standing in the corner, leaning against the wall, sneering as she takes another drag of her cigarette that she makes look effortlessly cool (except smoking isn’t cool kids, don’t do it). She blows the puff of smoke out of the corner of her mouth, stares me down and says “And what makes you think anyone cares about what you have to say about that?” Pointing at my laptop with her cigarette for emphasis.
And I don’t know how to answer that. I’ve been writing a blog post since December talking about 2017 in review and I keep getting stuck, because I don’t know why anyone would care about how my year was. I mean, it was pretty great on a personal level for a multitude of reasons, but when I sit down and try to list everything out, it all feels dull. Banal. Unexciting. I read it over, knowing it all literally happened to me and I struggle to think of reasons why anyone would care to read about it.
So I don’t post it. And my blog remains dormant. Which leads to the third problem…
3) No one reads my blog, so I don’t write anything… so no one reads my blog
This is absolutely a self-perpetuating problem that is my problem and mine alone, but it feels like a Sisyphean punishment taking place completely in my own head.
The boulder starts at the bottom of the hill…
“Oh hey, something cool just happened to me.”
I roll the boulder a quarter of the way up the hill, using only my forehead. I can feel the cracks of the boulder lining up with my forehead wrinkles.
“I should write a blog post about it!”
Is this boulder getting heavier as I get closer to the top of the hill? Is that even physically possible? Oh wait, this is a metaphorical scenario, so I guess yeah, it can.
“Wait… I haven’t written a blog post in a while… Would anyone even care what I think about this?”
I literally groan under the pressure the boulder. The top of the hill is so close, I can feel it! Just a little further… You can do this…
“It feels like a lot of effort to go to if no one reads it. And people don’t really read my blog because I don’t post. Maybe I shouldn’t bother.”
The boulder slips away from my forehead and rolls down to the bottom of the hill with supernatural speed. Whatever. It’s fine. Maybe the boulder wasn’t meant to be at the top of the hill anyway.
A lot of it is a self-confidence and self-promotion problem and most days, I can’t push through the thought that no one cares what I have to say. Social media is already completely saturated with the thoughts, opinions and self-promotion of thousands of people that I feel afraid of contributing to the noise. I’m not afraid of competing with other bloggers or personalities exactly, I’m afraid of bothering people and asking for their free time. And I know free time is precious, so I want to make sure I’m going to make it worth your while if I’m taking some of it.
So that brings us to the point of this blog post, which is…
Honestly, I’m not really sure. This isn’t meant to be a self-pitying post asking that you pay attention to me. It’s a cathartic release which I’m hoping will clear my blogging blockage. I’m turning the valve, letting out all the whiny noises and hoping this makes me feel better about not blogging for so long. A series of excuses whispered into the interwebs so that I don’t have to open my next post with “Hey guys, so I haven’t posted in a while…” or something equally cliché that has an undertone of believing anyone missed me in the meantime.
Or who knows, maybe this is another cough and splutter before Lazarus reverts to death for a multitude of months. I hope not. Let’s try keeping this momentum going.
Lots of love,
Mrs Greatnews x